


black butterflies and déjà vu

by londoneyedgirl



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: A bit of angst maybe, Friends to Lovers, Love, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-19 21:45:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10648671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/londoneyedgirl/pseuds/londoneyedgirl
Summary: taemin looks at jongin and mentally chants, “please love me, please love me, please love me.”jongin’s hand on his lower back lingers for longer than usual and taemin's scared to let himself dream.





	black butterflies and déjà vu

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first finished fanfic for the fandom, i think? i started other fics, but this is the first i've finished.  
> i was inspired by taemin's constant heart eyes at jongin. i think what makes them so appealing and heartwarming to me is that they're such big fans of each other, their feelings always seem so mutual, and so present, even when they're apart most of the time. also, they're my favorites from their groups, so the fact that they're longtime best friends makes me very happy!!  
> i don't really know how i feel about this. i feel like it isn't quite finished, but i also feel like i have nothing else to add. please let me know what you think, if you can!
> 
> title from the maine's song of the same name.

taemin looks at jongin and mentally chants, “ _please love me, please love me, please love me_.”

jongin’s hand on his lower back lingers for longer than usual and taemin's scared to let himself dream.

-

the thing is, taemin knows he's obvious. all the clichés, he's done it - the ‘walking through a crowd, only having eyes for him’ thing; the love-filled gazes; the constant touches. taemin has done it all. and after all that, he doesn't quite know where they stand regarding how he feels towards jongin.

-

It’s a constant pain, is what it is. because jongin has the most beautiful smile, and then he aims it directly at taemin. it’s the smile that's so big that his eyes nearly close and there are crinkles by them, and taemin feels hypnotized, like dragging his eyes away would require a strength he will never have. taemin feels powerless. jongin has that effect on him.

jongin wraps his arms around taemin, just a few months younger and yet taller, bigger, nearly engulfing taemin in his hug. taemin buries himself in it, feels the warmth of jongin’s chest finding him even through their layers of clothing, and thinks nothing.

-

the closeness messes him up. they've always been close, and touching is a constant more than a rarity, but sometimes it's too much. sometimes jongin will touch taemin's forearm and he'll have to hold his breath before managing to pay attention to whatever jongin’s saying. jongin’s skin is always, always warm. it's a bit of a contrast to taemin's, which is more often not on the chiller side. it’s comforting, most times; but sometimes, it feels like a burn.

“tae, are you listening to me?” jongin asks, the smallest of pouts on his lips, but still enough to be noticed. taemin smiles.

“yes, jonginnie. keep going.” he’s always played too much with fire. 

-

taemin considers himself jongin's biggest fan, in the sense that jongin is his biggest fan. their friendship is old and settled enough that he knows that that is the truth without any sort of insecurity.

when taemin sees jongin on big stages, shining in the spotlight, he knows that's where he belongs. his mind runs to the images stored in the back of his mind of a tired, hardworking boy who never stopped; a boy who constantly practiced the dance lessons late into the night. taemin would know. he’d be there, too.

seeing jongin making it, getting the recognition he deserves, makes taemin proud. in some ways he even feels a bit jealous, wanting to keep jongin to himself. the thought of wanting to be the only one to see the beauty that jongin is when he dances has passed more than once or twice through taemin’s head. it isn't long until his bitter subconscious helpfully reminds him he doesn't really have jongin, anyway.

he wonders how jongin would look performing one of his songs. sure, they performed together to pretty boy, but that's different, and so long ago. taemin thinks about how jongin would move, how jongin would feel performing sayonara hitori with him, or ace. something feels funny in taemin's stomach, and his heart sort of skips a beat at the idea. well, that’s an idea to keep.

“how was i?” jongin asks, all cocky smile but genuine curiosity in his eyes.

taemin tilts his head, pretends to think for a second, but not long enough for jongin to start sulking. “incredible, as expected.” he pats the low of jongin's back, hand a bit too low, perhaps, but jongin doesn't bat an eye, and neither does taemin.

“oh, high praise from lee taemin!” jongin leans closer, lips brushing taemin’s ear so he can be heard over the noise without yelling. “should i expect a list of improvements i can make later?”

taemin does _not_ shiver. “maybe.”

jongin pulls away but only just enough to stand straight, and his smile is loose and a bit carefree. it's one of taemin’s favorites. “good.”

jongin places his arms around taemin and they're pressed together. the usual, then. taemin just wishes he could hold jongin’s hand.

-

performing on the same stage as jongin is both the most exhausting and thrilling thing. exhausting because taemin has to keep reminding himself that he’s performing, and that he shouldn’t stare at jongin throughout the whole thing; thrilling because he’s _on stage_ , _with jongin_ , _dancing_ , and it feels all too much like when they were trainees, practicing into the night together.

it’s one of taemin’s best experiences.

jongin takes taemin’s hand in his and taemin feels so much. 

-

there are moments he catches jongin staring at him. sometimes it’s with fondness in his eyes, which is the most usual; sometimes with something taemin can’t quite pinpoint what it is, but it makes his stomach flutter and his heart beat faster; and, as of late, jongin has taken to looking at taemin with curious eyes. he watches taemin, taemin’s pretty sure, and when their eyes meet, he doesn’t look away. instead, jongin offers taemin a small smile, like he hadn’t been watching taemin in such a focused way, and then it’s taemin who’s looking at jongin, trying to figure him out.

it’s a bit frustrating. taemin tries to shrug it off.

-

it’s a late night and they're hanging out together. they rarely get to do this sort of thing nowadays. jongin’s a bit sleepy, but isn't he always? his head is on taemin's lap on the couch, and his eyes are closed, but his lashes flutter every once in a while, and one of his hands, laced with taemin’s, aren’t completely lax yet.

taemin is reading, or attempting to - it’s hard to maintain his attention fully in something else that isn't jongin when they're together, sometimes, but he’s managing. jongin’s half-listening to music, half-spacing out, only one of his earbuds in his ear. it’s comfortable. it feels like when they were younger.

“taemin.” jongin suddenly calls. taemin shifts his gaze to jongin's face. he’s still got his eyes closed, but he isn't listening to music anymore. taemin closes his book. if jongin paused his music, he should probably pay attention.

“yes?”

jongin takes a deep breath. “i was wondering…” and then he pauses, looking unsure of how to proceed.

taemin watches him patiently. jongin’s more of the quiet type, but it’s not often that he finds himself having difficulty to talk.

“why do you look at me like you're scared you're gonna lose me? sometimes?”

taemin can feel his throat closing up. this was not what he expected. he was expecting something like jongin saying something deep, or supposedly deep but actually just random, or a reflection over his performance from a week ago. maybe a greeting his mother sent him that he’d forgotten to give taemin. not this. never this.

his eyes settle elsewhere - jongin's hand in his. how does he tell jongin that you can't really lose something you don't have?

“that's nonsense.” he furrows his brows, refraining the urge to caress jongin’s hand with his thumb. “i’m pretty sure i don't look at you like that.”

“then what is it?” jongin presses, his eyes finally opening. he looks frustrated. his bottom lip is sticking out. “there _is_ something. tell me what it is.”

taemin ponders over it. actually considers telling jongin; considers admitting to having feelings that go deeper than friendship; considers telling jongin about how he only truly feels whole when he sees jongin; wonders how he'd react to knowing he’s the one taemin wants to hold at night.

“i-”

jongin turns his head in an attempt to look at taemin. “you’re-” and he cuts himself off in the same way taemin just did. taemin brings his focus back to jongin's face, to his slightly puffed out cheeks, to the way his lips part when he lets out the air he's holding in.

there is something in jongin’s eyes. they're searching, but for what, taemin does not know. his grip on taemin's hand tightens and he looks frustrated. “please, don't- don’t tell me i’ve been reading this wrong. don't tell me i’m wrong. please.”

taemin's at a loss. jongin, then, releases his hand. he sits up, his back to taemin, and takes a deep breath. taemin watches his shoulders rise and fall. jongin lets his head fall forwards, down at his own lap, and then he stands up. stops in front of taemin. his eyes are a contradiction of hesitancy and determination. taemin wonders how he looks, what jongin sees when he looks at taemin.

jongin moves forward. he places his legs on each side of taemin, settling on his lap, and his hands fall onto taemin’s bony shoulders. taemin doesn't know if the trembling he’s feeling is from himself or from jongin’s body. probably both.

it’s not a kiss, not really. it's more of a brush of lips, and warm air from jongin’s mouth hit taemin’s chapped lips. before he knows it his eyelids have shut and he thinks it’d be too cruel if this turns out to be a dream. he’d know, he's dreamt about this before. he remembers how it hurt to realize it wasn’t real all too well.

“i-” jongin gasps lowly, slightly, barely there. he sounds a bit desperate. “tell me you feel the same way. tell me you love me.”

and taemin’s tempted to say no, because he thinks he loves jongin more than jongin could ever love taemin, more than taemin could ever deserve to be loved by jongin. but he opens his eyes, and he sees jongin’s trembling lips, and how he seems to be fighting his instincts to avert his eyes and, instead, is staring deep into taemin’s. taemin doesn't know how much jongin loves him, but he guesses it’s a lot.

“i do.” taemin manages to choke out. his hands, fallen lax on his sides, come to rest on jongin's thighs, palms open and down. unmoving. “i love you. i need you.”

jongin closes his eyes like those words are his salvation, like it’s the ultimate pleasure and relief to hear them come out of taemin’s mouth, like he’s been waiting for a long time for that. taemin wonders how long, and then he lets his hand slide up, up, up, until he’s clutching onto jongin’s hips, fingers splayed on the small of his back, and he's pulling jongin closer. a hand goes higher, holds jongin by the neck, and jongin goes, body pliant, burying his face into taemin’s neck.

“i love you.”

it’s only a small mutter, hot against the point where taemin’s neck meets his shoulder. taemin presses his eyes closed, tight, and then wraps his arms around jongin’s frame.

-

“since when?”

“since always, i think.” 

“but. since when have you known?”

“i don’t know. i just looked at you, one day, and went, ‘huh’. like everything was right in the world. like seeing you made the days brighter, and made breathing easier, and made living more interesting. like you made my existence make sense. i’ve always known you mean a lot to me. i just hadn’t known until then that you mean the _world._ ”

-

“were you ever going to tell me?”

“...not likely.”

“i don’t know if i should be mad at you for it or not.”

“i can be quite the coward, and you’ve always known that.”

“you’ve always been the brave one, though. if we were to guess who would say something, i’d say you in a heartbeat.”

“you make me afraid.”

“why?”

“you mean the world to me, too.”

“that doesn’t really explain it.”

“imagine losing your world.”

-

“it's a good thing i was brave, isn’t it?”

“ _yes.”_

-

taemin has to turn his head so he can breathe, and a shiver runs down his spine when hot air hits the wet on his nape left by jongin's open-mouthed kisses. their hands are intertwined right in front of taemin’s face. this is real.

jongin's hips snap and he moves into taemin, rhythmically, sharp and deep and _right_. jongin fucks into taemin like he can, like he should be doing long ago, and he should have. taemin wonders why didn't jongin notice that he owns taemin. taemin wonders when jongin will let taemin own _him._

jongin moans his name into his ear, and he whines at a harsher thrust. he doesn't know that he already owns jongin completely.

**Author's Note:**

> catch me at @winterjonginnie being emo abt kpop!


End file.
